Therapy ♫

"This is just therapy. Call it what it is.
'Cuz you won't take my calls
and that makes
God the only one who's left to listen."
- Therapy, Relient K

People often define therapy as (you/couch)+Shrink. While that's a true definition, I don't think it should be the definition of therapy as a whole, because [let's be honest...] it tends to have a negative stigma attached to it. If you go to therapy, people tend to think that you're weak. Or that you can't handle things on your own. I've even heard it said that your faith is weak, because you're not trusting God to get you through. Nonsense.

So as I sit here in the rotunda, killing precious time before math class, I 'm full. I went to lunch with a friend, and we did was talk about our past relationships. He more so than I, as his wounds are a little fresher than mine. It's fun. I'm always glad to help. And I was very thankful for people I could randomly vent to. But as we pulled back in to the campus parking lot, I realized that our times out together were therapy for one another. Thus began the thought process that made me realize that I do a lot of therapeutic things for myself.

I read. Whether it's my Kindle, Time Magazine, or my Bible, I read everything. 

I sing. I plug the iPod into the aux port in the truck and I sing along to whatever happens to come on.

I blog. I do this more than anything else. I tell you whatever  happens to be on my mind. I'm very candid with this, and I think it's better for me that way. I'm ok with telling you everything.

[Random fact: There are people standing in the balcony hallway above me, and I feel like a lab rat up for observation. Not cool... *Squeak]

I know that there are some other ways we put ourselves through therapy.
Like some people talk to a lost loved one at their grave. Or we tell ourselves that said lost person is with us on our "big day", whatever the occasion may be. Whether they're really there or not is up for debate. I have clear-cut views, but they're not important here.

So I guess I'd redefine therapy as
"Anything that helps one get through a tough time in one's life, or that helps one move on."
And yes, you can quote me on that. =]

Dear God,

I know you've got amazing plans for me. But I can't help shake the feeling that I was totally centered in those plans, and that I've messed them all up. So now what? What if I'd realized Your plan, and ruined it? Does that mean I've ruined the rest of my life? I have no idea, and that's a scary thought to entertain.

So I'm going to listen to everyone around me, and what Your word tell me. I'm going to believe that things didn't work out for a good reason. I'm going to tell myself that You're going to send me someone who's going to turn this all upside down. Someone who will love me exctly as I am, and accept my mistakes and scars, and help me move on from them.

I love you, Lord. I know that You're the only reason I can get out of bed. Even though it hurts, I'm so glad I can still get up and move.

God, I still have my days. I still have days that hurt, and I still cry and boo-hoo. And it's hard to go on from things that have happened. But while I still think You over-estimate me sometimes, I know that You won't being me to it if You won't being me through it.

The Great Escape

"To escape is nothing. Not to escape is nothing."
                                            -Louise Bogan.

I've got no clue who Louise Bogan is. And I highly doubt anyone else in my English 151 class does. But this quote was in one of our books, and preceeded a memior called On Being a Cripple about a woman who, at age 28, was told that she has Multiple Sclerosis. After a series of questions about the memior, along with another one written about the same topic, we were asked to interpret the quote as it applied to life in general.

I've already finished my questions, and have fought with Dell of Doom printer in this room (I fought a good fight, but got my butt kicked.). So I figured I'd blog my interpretation.

We will always wonder “What if…”

What is this boyfriend didn’t leave me? What if I’d gotten out of this relationship?

What if I got a new job? What if I stayed at my current position?

We always wonder if the grass really is greener. So we want to escape, and find it. We want to see for ourselves. For some of us, it’s nothing. It’s easy to walk away from our lives, and pick up a new one. It’s simple.

And once we get to the other side, we may realize that what we once thought would be green pastures and still waters is really a bunch of dead grass, and no water in sight. What we see after our escape, may be nothing at all.

For others, like me, it’s an obvious choice to keep out life as it is. While we don’t always have control over that, it’s nothing for us to look at our lives, and want to keep it the same.

Now, as my readers and my friends, I assume that y'all will know what I mean. This professor, however, will probably think I'm a nut job.

[enjoy]

September 11, 2001

I was in third grade. I was home sick that day with an ear infection. I was sitting in the big recliner at my grandparents' house in my Rugrat pajamas. I saw the video, and thought it was a movie commercial. But I knew something was really up when Mamaw let me have left ever pizza for breakfast.
Then she explained to me that it was real. That people had taken over planes, and crashed them into towers where hundreds of people worked.
I remember that I didn't believe her because people don't do that to other people... It was mean, and would hurt them. Then she told me that the men who took the planes meant to kill the people in the towers. They did it on purpose.
That's the day I realized that some people are honestly evil. That day, I realized that not everyone had good in them.

I still like to be naive. I've always been forgiving, and tried to only see the good in people. But that day was the day I realized that I was wrong. But I'm still like that.
It's like I can't see the bad in someone until it's directed towards me. And I'm ok with that. Yeah, I get hurt. But I will always give someone the benefit of a doubt. Always.

I hate doing this. Y'all are going to get sick of me repeating myself.
       [Random Fact: Our electric just flickered. Why? The AC kicked on.]
But I keep having to remind myself that God is totally in control of my life, whether I like it or not. And don't get me wrong, I love that He is. Because all I do is make make a mess of it.

Someone* posted a picture, and gave a really awesome quote with it. But, me being me, I rephrased it. =]

Never mind the past. There's a good reason that it didn't make the cut for your future.

And I love that soooo dag-gone much! It reminds me that God's got an awesome plan for me, and that my life is changing for a really good reason. Someday, I'll meet the man I'm supposed to spend my forever with, assuming I haven't already. And that's true for us all. And honestly, I'm super excited for it. I adore love. I love the feeling of falling in love, and then the moments where you're with them, and they do something to make it happen all over again. I love making them happy, and making them love me. Yes, it hurts sometimes, and all love is tested. But true love keeps going.

So that's the end of that ramble. 8-)

I found out last night that Mummy reads my blog! And she approves! Mummy's fairly (super) private, and I'm obviously really open with my life, which sometimes includes hers. I'm sooooo super crazy excited that she likes it!

And random people are starting to tell me that they read my blog! I real appreciate it. It's very encouraging, and makes all the time worth it. But frankly, I'd still blog. Even if no one in the world ever read it. Because I think it's good for me. And that's what's important now. Me. =]


*Hailee Alexander. [Thank you!]

Moving On.

"I'm moving on! At last I can see that life has been patiently waiting for me."
                                                                                Rascal Flatts. (I love them)


A certain guy told me that he was ready to move on, but was nervous to try. Now, now... It doesn't work like that.

They weren't kidding when they said "love hurts!" Nope. They meant every bit of it. And yes, we get hurt while in a relationship, but we can usually forgive and forget. But it's a little (lot) harder when you're left behind, or when you have to do the leaving. You had you a good cry, come good chocolate, and a good Reese Witherspoon marathon (sound familiar?).

Eventually, though, you put your big girl panties on, and knew that you had to get off the couch, and move on with your life. Because work, kids, church, school (etc...) doesn't wait. Life doesn't wait. Which can be a good help! Even if you dread going about and not seeing them, or you dread coming home (this is me!) because you know you won't talk on the phone with them.
But for the time being, while you're out, you can move your focus. And admit it... It's great!

So now that you know you can make it on your own (but you know you're not really alone), you can start to really "move on". It's hard. Because the person who once meant everything to you now has to mean not-so-much. You have to stop loving them. And it sucks! You throw your "normal" out the window. Get used to it. Find YOUR own personal normal. The one you keep consistently.

Now, you're ready for a new significant other! Not really...

You haven't really moved on until:

• The anger is gone.
• You can think of what happened, and not cry.
• The pain of the break up is no longer there. (That's not to say you won't have scars, but the basic sting is gone)
• You want only good for them in their life. You feel no more malice or bitterness.

If you can check off ALL of these, then congrats! You're really done. The best part of this is that you are free. And... You can find someone new, and love them the way they deserve to be loved. I'm not there yet. I still have my days and my cries. But I'm doing better. I really did love Josh, and I still do, in a way. I want him to be happy. I know I hurt him, and I got hurt, too. But it's all good. I've got to let God have His way in my life, and in Joshua's. I'll be ok. And hopefully, I'll be able to check off most things on My List.

[go love someone]

Rebecca.

So someone (guess who!) brought it to my attention that I haven't yet mentioned Becca in any of my posts. How terrible of me! So. Here we go.

Becca has always been my favorite. We're 2 of 7 grand kids, and we're the only girls. We're 4 months, and 1 week apart, but I'm the oldest. Even though she doesn't need it (usually) I feel like I have to watch over her. But she does the same for me, and I usually do need it!

We've even got names for each other. She's Dolly, because she "got girly" before I did, and I made fun of her for acting like a porcelain doll. And when we were really little, she over complicated 'Kelsey', and it became Kelshki.

She's done her wrong, and made her mistakes, and she's moving on. I'm sooo very proud of her. I love her dearly, and I can't wait to see where she goes in her life.

She needs to know that I'm always here for her, and she frequently takes advantage of that. Not in a bad way, she just uses her resources. She also needs to know that no matter what she decides to do, I'll stand behind her. I'll do anything she every needs me to do. I love her dearly, and I always will.

It almost sounds like I should be a guy talking to his girlfriend. But that's ok. Becca knows I don't mean it like that. And everyone else should, too. =]

We've gone through everything together. Absolutely everything. And it better stay that way.

[ah-me?]