Random Ramblings

I'm tired of watching videos about citing my sources.

I'm tired of my computer not working. [I've been reduces to borrowing a school computer to do my blogging]


                              [Someone remind me later that I need to get my flu shot]

I hate having dreams about Joshua. I don't miss him, and I don't want to get back together with him right now. So I really don't understand why I keep dreaming that we do. It's annoying, and is taking up dream time and space that I could be using to dream of kittens or something...

The stupid keyboard mouse is really annoying, and keeps getting in my way.

Dear Monster Energy,
God bless your souls.
-Kelsey.

I'm really not looking forward to writing this research paper, especially on Mom's dinosaur desk-top.

We seriously just voted on a "collective nap time". The results are unanimous. We're sleeping!

I'm seriously excited for the Fall Festival this weekend. I've got a girl to cover my shift at work, so I BETTER have it off. Leva (Yeah.. That's my boss's real name) told me that she'd really try to work it out as long as I could find someone to cover that shift. So I better be off.

I usually don't do posts like this, just random ramblings [ooh... that's a good title.]

Wow... I'm really hungry.

And I'm free!!! Woo hoo! Lunch time!

[show love]

Please... Be My Strength...

I'm completely in love with this band, and this is one of my most favoritest songs ever!

I ♥ Love!

No, I'm not in love with anyone. But it's all good. I have something to look forward to. I get to fall in love again. Maybe soon, maybe not.

But really! Love is amazing!

It's having someone know you as well as, if not better, than you know yourself.
I can honestly say that when I truly love someone, they know EVERYTHING about me. I love having someone know me that well, and I love knowing someone like that. I love being that close and emotionally intimate with someone.

I love living my life, but adding someone new to it. Yes, I'll alter my life a little, to fit into their lives as they do mine, but I'll love it all. I adore sharing my life with someone.

I love the fact that I basically get a new family! I've been fairly close to at least one member of Aaron and Josh's families. And it was great.

I love having a best friend. Like I said, I get really close to someone when I'm in love with them. My girlfriends are great, but there's nothing like being in love with your best friend, and it's just great!

So I'm not all boo-hoo-ie about not being in love right now. But I feel like a kid on the night before my birthday, or Christmas Eve. =]

Riches to Rags to Riches.

God,
I just don't understand...
How is it possible to go from being some one's entire world to meaning nothing at all to them?
At one point in time, I meant everything to him. He told me so... He said that I meant more than the world to him. But then the next day, I was nothing to him. Is that really how much I'm worth? Am I really so... disposable? I just don't get it...
He was my world. I knew there were problems, but none that couldn't have been worked through. Oh well... I guess there are things I'll never know.

But I do know that while I may be worthless to some people, I'm priceless to You. And I know that You've got plans that I can't even begin to imagine. And I know that I can't wait.

Love, Kelsey. ♥

Therapy ♫

"This is just therapy. Call it what it is.
'Cuz you won't take my calls
and that makes
God the only one who's left to listen."
- Therapy, Relient K

People often define therapy as (you/couch)+Shrink. While that's a true definition, I don't think it should be the definition of therapy as a whole, because [let's be honest...] it tends to have a negative stigma attached to it. If you go to therapy, people tend to think that you're weak. Or that you can't handle things on your own. I've even heard it said that your faith is weak, because you're not trusting God to get you through. Nonsense.

So as I sit here in the rotunda, killing precious time before math class, I 'm full. I went to lunch with a friend, and we did was talk about our past relationships. He more so than I, as his wounds are a little fresher than mine. It's fun. I'm always glad to help. And I was very thankful for people I could randomly vent to. But as we pulled back in to the campus parking lot, I realized that our times out together were therapy for one another. Thus began the thought process that made me realize that I do a lot of therapeutic things for myself.

I read. Whether it's my Kindle, Time Magazine, or my Bible, I read everything. 

I sing. I plug the iPod into the aux port in the truck and I sing along to whatever happens to come on.

I blog. I do this more than anything else. I tell you whatever  happens to be on my mind. I'm very candid with this, and I think it's better for me that way. I'm ok with telling you everything.

[Random fact: There are people standing in the balcony hallway above me, and I feel like a lab rat up for observation. Not cool... *Squeak]

I know that there are some other ways we put ourselves through therapy.
Like some people talk to a lost loved one at their grave. Or we tell ourselves that said lost person is with us on our "big day", whatever the occasion may be. Whether they're really there or not is up for debate. I have clear-cut views, but they're not important here.

So I guess I'd redefine therapy as
"Anything that helps one get through a tough time in one's life, or that helps one move on."
And yes, you can quote me on that. =]

Dear God,

I know you've got amazing plans for me. But I can't help shake the feeling that I was totally centered in those plans, and that I've messed them all up. So now what? What if I'd realized Your plan, and ruined it? Does that mean I've ruined the rest of my life? I have no idea, and that's a scary thought to entertain.

So I'm going to listen to everyone around me, and what Your word tell me. I'm going to believe that things didn't work out for a good reason. I'm going to tell myself that You're going to send me someone who's going to turn this all upside down. Someone who will love me exctly as I am, and accept my mistakes and scars, and help me move on from them.

I love you, Lord. I know that You're the only reason I can get out of bed. Even though it hurts, I'm so glad I can still get up and move.

God, I still have my days. I still have days that hurt, and I still cry and boo-hoo. And it's hard to go on from things that have happened. But while I still think You over-estimate me sometimes, I know that You won't being me to it if You won't being me through it.

The Great Escape

"To escape is nothing. Not to escape is nothing."
                                            -Louise Bogan.

I've got no clue who Louise Bogan is. And I highly doubt anyone else in my English 151 class does. But this quote was in one of our books, and preceeded a memior called On Being a Cripple about a woman who, at age 28, was told that she has Multiple Sclerosis. After a series of questions about the memior, along with another one written about the same topic, we were asked to interpret the quote as it applied to life in general.

I've already finished my questions, and have fought with Dell of Doom printer in this room (I fought a good fight, but got my butt kicked.). So I figured I'd blog my interpretation.

We will always wonder “What if…”

What is this boyfriend didn’t leave me? What if I’d gotten out of this relationship?

What if I got a new job? What if I stayed at my current position?

We always wonder if the grass really is greener. So we want to escape, and find it. We want to see for ourselves. For some of us, it’s nothing. It’s easy to walk away from our lives, and pick up a new one. It’s simple.

And once we get to the other side, we may realize that what we once thought would be green pastures and still waters is really a bunch of dead grass, and no water in sight. What we see after our escape, may be nothing at all.

For others, like me, it’s an obvious choice to keep out life as it is. While we don’t always have control over that, it’s nothing for us to look at our lives, and want to keep it the same.

Now, as my readers and my friends, I assume that y'all will know what I mean. This professor, however, will probably think I'm a nut job.

[enjoy]

September 11, 2001

I was in third grade. I was home sick that day with an ear infection. I was sitting in the big recliner at my grandparents' house in my Rugrat pajamas. I saw the video, and thought it was a movie commercial. But I knew something was really up when Mamaw let me have left ever pizza for breakfast.
Then she explained to me that it was real. That people had taken over planes, and crashed them into towers where hundreds of people worked.
I remember that I didn't believe her because people don't do that to other people... It was mean, and would hurt them. Then she told me that the men who took the planes meant to kill the people in the towers. They did it on purpose.
That's the day I realized that some people are honestly evil. That day, I realized that not everyone had good in them.

I still like to be naive. I've always been forgiving, and tried to only see the good in people. But that day was the day I realized that I was wrong. But I'm still like that.
It's like I can't see the bad in someone until it's directed towards me. And I'm ok with that. Yeah, I get hurt. But I will always give someone the benefit of a doubt. Always.

I hate doing this. Y'all are going to get sick of me repeating myself.
       [Random Fact: Our electric just flickered. Why? The AC kicked on.]
But I keep having to remind myself that God is totally in control of my life, whether I like it or not. And don't get me wrong, I love that He is. Because all I do is make make a mess of it.

Someone* posted a picture, and gave a really awesome quote with it. But, me being me, I rephrased it. =]

Never mind the past. There's a good reason that it didn't make the cut for your future.

And I love that soooo dag-gone much! It reminds me that God's got an awesome plan for me, and that my life is changing for a really good reason. Someday, I'll meet the man I'm supposed to spend my forever with, assuming I haven't already. And that's true for us all. And honestly, I'm super excited for it. I adore love. I love the feeling of falling in love, and then the moments where you're with them, and they do something to make it happen all over again. I love making them happy, and making them love me. Yes, it hurts sometimes, and all love is tested. But true love keeps going.

So that's the end of that ramble. 8-)

I found out last night that Mummy reads my blog! And she approves! Mummy's fairly (super) private, and I'm obviously really open with my life, which sometimes includes hers. I'm sooooo super crazy excited that she likes it!

And random people are starting to tell me that they read my blog! I real appreciate it. It's very encouraging, and makes all the time worth it. But frankly, I'd still blog. Even if no one in the world ever read it. Because I think it's good for me. And that's what's important now. Me. =]


*Hailee Alexander. [Thank you!]

Moving On.

"I'm moving on! At last I can see that life has been patiently waiting for me."
                                                                                Rascal Flatts. (I love them)


A certain guy told me that he was ready to move on, but was nervous to try. Now, now... It doesn't work like that.

They weren't kidding when they said "love hurts!" Nope. They meant every bit of it. And yes, we get hurt while in a relationship, but we can usually forgive and forget. But it's a little (lot) harder when you're left behind, or when you have to do the leaving. You had you a good cry, come good chocolate, and a good Reese Witherspoon marathon (sound familiar?).

Eventually, though, you put your big girl panties on, and knew that you had to get off the couch, and move on with your life. Because work, kids, church, school (etc...) doesn't wait. Life doesn't wait. Which can be a good help! Even if you dread going about and not seeing them, or you dread coming home (this is me!) because you know you won't talk on the phone with them.
But for the time being, while you're out, you can move your focus. And admit it... It's great!

So now that you know you can make it on your own (but you know you're not really alone), you can start to really "move on". It's hard. Because the person who once meant everything to you now has to mean not-so-much. You have to stop loving them. And it sucks! You throw your "normal" out the window. Get used to it. Find YOUR own personal normal. The one you keep consistently.

Now, you're ready for a new significant other! Not really...

You haven't really moved on until:

• The anger is gone.
• You can think of what happened, and not cry.
• The pain of the break up is no longer there. (That's not to say you won't have scars, but the basic sting is gone)
• You want only good for them in their life. You feel no more malice or bitterness.

If you can check off ALL of these, then congrats! You're really done. The best part of this is that you are free. And... You can find someone new, and love them the way they deserve to be loved. I'm not there yet. I still have my days and my cries. But I'm doing better. I really did love Josh, and I still do, in a way. I want him to be happy. I know I hurt him, and I got hurt, too. But it's all good. I've got to let God have His way in my life, and in Joshua's. I'll be ok. And hopefully, I'll be able to check off most things on My List.

[go love someone]

Rebecca.

So someone (guess who!) brought it to my attention that I haven't yet mentioned Becca in any of my posts. How terrible of me! So. Here we go.

Becca has always been my favorite. We're 2 of 7 grand kids, and we're the only girls. We're 4 months, and 1 week apart, but I'm the oldest. Even though she doesn't need it (usually) I feel like I have to watch over her. But she does the same for me, and I usually do need it!

We've even got names for each other. She's Dolly, because she "got girly" before I did, and I made fun of her for acting like a porcelain doll. And when we were really little, she over complicated 'Kelsey', and it became Kelshki.

She's done her wrong, and made her mistakes, and she's moving on. I'm sooo very proud of her. I love her dearly, and I can't wait to see where she goes in her life.

She needs to know that I'm always here for her, and she frequently takes advantage of that. Not in a bad way, she just uses her resources. She also needs to know that no matter what she decides to do, I'll stand behind her. I'll do anything she every needs me to do. I love her dearly, and I always will.

It almost sounds like I should be a guy talking to his girlfriend. But that's ok. Becca knows I don't mean it like that. And everyone else should, too. =]

We've gone through everything together. Absolutely everything. And it better stay that way.

[ah-me?]

A Letter to Me.

Ok. So there are things I need to admit to myself. No matter how much other people tell me, it will never sink in until I tell myself. Some of this will be hard for me, so (assuming I don't cry on, and thus short my keyboard) don't judge if my typing gets sketchy.

Dear Kelsey,

Sweetie... The past few months has been hard. But that's how it goes. Last year, as measured from Camp 2010-Camp 2011was an amazing year. It's about time things get rough. It's just the way it works out. But!! That's no excuse! However, it'll get better.

Josh is gone. He does NOT (romantically) love you. He has not and will not forgive you anytime soon for the things he thinks you did. You know the truth, and he will one day. He's not mad at you, he doesn't hate you. But the two of you are over. You're on to separate lives, nd the lives God planned for you. So turn off Walk the Line, Sweet Home Alabama, and Legally Blonde. Did you even notice you've had a Reese Witherspoon marathon? C'mon, darling! Pull it together. And you pretend your cuddle pillow is someone else. And that's perfectly ok. Enjoy that. =]

You're a college student now! You're leagally a grown up, and you'll have home work. You'll have to study. Good luck. Remember, Dave offered to help with math, so you'll be fine.

Meet people! Seriously you can't just sit at a table, and blog while nibbling on you KFC. For the moment though, it's all good. Because you're currently surrounded by people you don't know, and Lucas. Ha ha ha.

You can do this. You'll be ok! I swear!

My List.

Alright. This is my official list of I don't know what. Just random things, I suppose.

I want a man who loves God. A man who is willing to make the decisions, and be the eader the Bible tells him to be. A man who will love me, and not give up on our relationship if things get rough. A man who, if things get rough, stick with me, and who will be willing to work through it. No matter what it takes. Counseling, therapy, or a weekend away to work things through. But I want someone who's in it for the long haul. I don't need to go out all the time. I don't need to get gifts or flowers all the time. I know I'm young, but I want to meet the man I'll marry. I want to settle down, because I'm confident that I can still finish school. I want love and commitment. I'm ready. Don't get me wrong. I want to go out with my guy. I want to go out with my friends, and our friends. I want to host parties, and (insert sport of choice) parties. But I don't need to be a busy body. Oh! And when we get married, I want his knees to go weak. And if he could maybe tear up would be awesome.
*[If you know a guy who may meet the qualifications above, send me an emailwith his name and email, and I'll send him an application for the position of Kelsey's Boyfriend. If the application meets my standards, I'll call him in for an interview. I appreciate your help.]

I want to teach high school English/Literature. My teacher was a big influence in my life, and made a hugh difference. I want to do that for other kids. And I will.

I want to live in a nice house, with my nice hubby, our nice kids, and our nice pets. I want to live in a nice town. In my head, I live in a small town that has restuaraunts and shops and such all within walking distance of my nice home, I want to go to a nice church where my husband is a pastor or preacher or something like such. I want to teach Sunday School, or whatnot. I want to be very involved in my church. I don't need to have a lot of money, or a lot of toys. I just want a lot of love from my family, and I want to give out a lot of love.

I currently live a fairly peaceful life. Aside from a few hiccups in my serenity, and really... only one major disaster, nothing happens that I can't breeze through. I guess you could say that I do pretty well with rolling with the punches. And like I said, I've really only had a couple things that really tore me up. If I could maintain my tranquility, I wouldn't complain.

So really, I guess this turned out to be a list of wants. I really don't think I'm asking for a lot. Oh well. I'm sure I'll keep adding to my list as I mature, and go on. So keep checking in!

*Of course, I'm being sarcastic. But if you want to take me seriously, have at it. Go for it. Knock yourself out. Have a hay day. Enjoy.


[love one another]

A Whole New World

So when I post, I usually have a general topic, or direction I want the post to go. But tonight, I have nothing.

I started college Tuesday, and finished the class today. It was just a 1 credit hour class. It was basically learning how to use Blackboard and the Ohio University site. It was's boring... And I think I'm about to repeat my last post... Oops.

So honestly... I don't think anyone reads this blog anymore. I know my "friends" don't. Oh well. I understand that Huff's been in training, But Katie doesn't speak to me unless I talk to her first. I don't talk to anyone in high school. Libby and I talk a little. But barely enough to mention. And I'm totally sure no one else does, either. So... If you do, send me a message on facebook! Or leave me a comment here!

It seems like people I loved having in my life are just gone. Like I have to come up with a whole new life.

Stephyy on the other hand, is my saving grace. The best teacher (until I start my carreer. Ha ha) told us that God puts certain people in our lives for a reson. It's either to touch those people, or to have them touch your life. And I truly think that God put this darling in my life to be the friend I needed when I had no one else. She always says the right thing, but also has those moments where I need to say the right thing.

Sarah and I have become good friends, too. We didn't really know each other, but she asked me to room with her at our church camp. And the rest is history. =]

And I'm making friends at school. Thank God! One's name is Kelsey (I know, right?!) She's an Equine major, and she actually lives in The Furnace! Another's name is Sarah, and she's an undecided. They're pretty awesome. Although... It's pretty weird to say, "Hey, Kels! Wait up!" Or, "Me, Sarah, and Kelsey..."  But I think it's worth the awkwardness. And the money I'll spend on rain boots.

Maybe this "New Life" could be cool. Lord, it better be!

[love one another]